I was going to begin this by saying "since the loss of my sister...". But then I realized how inaccurate that statement really is. Sure, I've lost things, car keys, glasses, inhalers, even myself. But I can truly say, even after 25 yrs, I’ve never actually lost my sister. What I mean is how can you lose someone that is literally with you every day?
The energy she had then, is the same energy I feel every day! Through her toughest battles and most difficult times, she would still manage to make it all about the person next to her. Whoever that person happened to be, family, friend, stranger, she didn't ever hesitate to engage with their soul to create some sort of comfort or healing.
I can still remember it like It was yesterday, the look she was giving me while she was having a stroke in the car on the way to Ohio, leading our annual vacation to see our grandparents, into us being in the hospital the whole time wondering what was going to happen next. From that moment on, it seemed like everyone else knew what was going to take place over the next few years. Even her. Everyone except me. I guess I was oblivious to the fact that I was in hospice groups because I didn't understand what it actually meant. I was only 5. I'm sure I had been told a bunch of times the possible outcomes but never actually looked into the ‘serious tone grown up talks’ I was being forced to have at any random moment. At first I thought it was because I was so young that I wasn't intelligent enough to understand. But as the years progressed, I now realize that the only things my mind doesn't comprehend are things that aren't being relayed to me factually.
Yes of course now it makes sense what they were trying to tell me. She's going to die and I won't see her again. I get it. But the fact that even up until the day she passed our relationship never changed, is exactly why it never made sense to me. Nothing will ever change the fact that She's my big sister and I'm her little brother.
There's so much more to it but that in itself holds together the energy and vibration that I feel every moment in this physical world without her. Because I know that just on the other side, she's always right there guiding me to the best decisions and energies in life.
Her energy to always make the next person's life matter, is exactly where I'm at today. And through the blessings I've received, I can make sure she lives on in lives of people that never even knew her. Turning pain into passion and being able to implicate this concept into the lives of others is not only a mission that never stops, but it creates a flow of energy that has the ability to recharge itself with each solution reached.
Over the years, I've learned that if there's one thing you can't do is save everybody. Way too much stress and time spent by one person to be that person that even tries, so much so that in the end, they might need saving themself. But there's a strong possibility that you can guide a person into saving themselves. Helping a person find themself gives them the opportunity to be able to learn first-hand how to correct mistakes and gain knowledge from the experiences that led them to their self destruction and what leads them from it as well. Not everybody wants to share the things they've been through, especially when it has to do with some of the toughest times of their life. In fact, most people want to forget about it all together. I happened to believe that I've been given a higher calling from the beginning. My biological mother wasn't fortunate enough to make it out of the darkness that led to her death. She was homeless, addicted to drugs, and had her first kid at 15. She contracted HIV/Aids from the lifestyle that she lived, and even though she did her best to do better, once you fall deep enough there’s so many obstacles and demons that are also fighting to keep you there. She didn’t deserve the pain and despair that followed her through life. My sister who was born first, contracted HIV/Aids during birth. We were taken by the state, and by the blessing of God adopted into a family together. The foster parents were aware of the risks of my sister having Aids and they wanted to give her a home, they wanted to make sure she had the best life before she died, her life expectancy being low. Knowing that you're going to have to bury a child and then accepting the challenge, as if it were your own child, before the adoption even clears, in order to give that child as much of a normal life as possible, has to be the most selfless and compassionate act of humanity ever witnessed. To give your energy, love, well-being, to something that will damage you forever, something that you will have to carry forever, and to do it willingly without being asked by anyone, it's admirable to say the least. I don't know what it's like to bury a child, but to accept the offer of most likely having to bury a child, and being strong enough to not let it destroy the strongest parts of you so that you can raise the other through the trauma, drama, and pain that is determined to leave destruction at every turn, is measureless.
At the end of the day, I was given life, I was blessed enough to not get Aids and die at 8 yrs old, like my older sister. I was chosen to be saved by love and not tossed around the foster care system. I was aware early on that there's something that separates me from normal. It can be said that it's false ambition, or just me coping with my trauma, or me trying to escape my own issues by dealing with those of others instead, but the truth has never changed. I have a purpose, and every journey, even the one now in this very second, seems to only guide me unto a path of enlightenment, knowledge, courage, consciousness, mindfulness, and strength, to be able to carry out this said purpose righteously. The blessing of life is gift enough for me to understand the reason I have been given life in the first place. It's only right that I be Prolife, and continue feeding positivity in wherever it's needed, and heck, even where it's not. It can be easy to forget the value of life sometimes, we are all guilty of it, but we have all, at one point or another, felt a spark of energy that reminds us how important each of us really is. That spark that kicks us back into consciousness from a deep sadness, or settles the ache of pain that hurts so much emotionally that it starts hurting physically. That spark that makes us want to do well on an exam or an assignment given by a teacher or boss. That spark you feel as you hand that assignment in knowing you did your best. That spark you feel when you walk to your car on Friday knowing that you made it through another week of work and you owe yourself a pat on the back. It's impossible to capture a spark in jar and put it on your shelf to look at for when you need it. Sure, you can earn a degree, win a trophy, paint a picture, or make a song to remember the feeling you felt after that spark came and went and you were left with its result. But that spark is just that, a spark. It happens within the blink of an eye. Something, that in a moments time, flashes inside of you and refreshes that part of you that rekindles whatever flame went out. The flame that controls your emotions, your ambitions, your compassions, your all-round sense of being. The flame itself can only be controlled by each individual, however, some persons flame burns too hot and goes out quick, other persons flames due to say environmental or locational issues uncontrollable by them, may leave the wood to wet to ever really catch flame in the first place. What's more important, the light, or the light switch?
My passion to be the spark that ignites the largest flame or light the brightest light so that the energy created from a spark reciprocates through the world, is only me living up to my duty as a human being that shares the Earth with others, who at the end of the day, are made in the same image as I was. To make sure that my sister isn't just remembered in her death, that suggests that we cease to exist, but in her life, that her energy continue to bless those who may need and that her moto "anything is possible," bring forth healing, awareness, perseverance, dignity and integrity to those who may feel lost or hopeless.
